VISIONARY TEACHINGS
by Gill Schwartz

Swami Krotchblissananda

FIRST MISSIVE OF GUIDANCE TO MY WORSHIPFUL DISCIPLES

We have seen the growth of exaggerated claims for the falsely called "Higher Consciousness". As an Assended Master, I am able to mystically perceive the inner workings of these braggarts' intestines. Such delusions are created simply by twists in the colon, misdirecting the flatulence up into the brain, rather than through the proper anal channels. If they followed my own Program of Gastrointestinal Putrefaction—twinkies and diet coke—it would relieve their noxious fecal delusions, often quiet emphatically.

I myself have transcended fundamental Asshole Awareness up to exalted Crotch Cognizance. I have even achieved moments of total Cock Consciousness. Thus, I am intuitively able to perceive who is ready to be fucked with and who isn't. A great aid in my "business" proceedings. As my own Maestro Swami Betyoursweetassanada often instructs, there is a right tool for every job, and erectile wisdom confirms, the right tool is a hard-on. A stiff dick grants me this insightfull means of penetrating perception and communion. With lofty testosterone illumination, I can avow, there is no "reality" above the Groin.

Nonetheless and anyhow, when I heard those pretenders prating of other levels of consciousness, psychic gifts, magical powers and suchlike as indicators of one's level of being, the revelation came to me with an enlightening, explosive fart: What is the universal characteristic of every being that exists? It is, of course, the ass hole that we all have in common, man and woman, fly and elephant. Thus it alone is a true criteria of one's significance. For, evidently, we are here, each and all, primarily to transmute nutrient into shit and procreate other defecators.

Therefore I propose that Proctology, though much demeaned and ignored, has shown us the right approach all along. If you really want to know what someone is about, check out their ass hole! I envisage a true new age of the arts and sciences founded on this gospel:

By Anus and Groin embraced,
Life is fulfilled and graced.

Swami Krotchblissananda

 

SECOND MISSIVE OF GUIDANCE TO MY WORSHIPFUL DISCIPLES

In my continual seeking out new pathways and approaches to greater Assholiness, I have been probing into an original healing science called Proctotherapy. In my independent investigations, I find a high correlation between the flexibility of one's anal sphincter and the scope of consciousness.

As I pondered the various results of restricted awareness, from politics to movie stars and T. V. commercials, I realized how this tight-assed approach to life causes humankind much misery. Therefore, in my calling as a guide and example, I have been working on expanding my disciples' anal and—consequently—mental capacities.

As many of you have been raised as proper, micro-sphinctered WASP/Cs, I start my persistent probing with a greased match stick or Que tip. Combined with other expanding therapeutic techniques, one is soon able to receive greater scope in anal expansiveness. For those with more natural proclivities, we progress to grapes, bananas, etc. The state of expanded consciousness one achieves with a watermelon up your bung hole is a marvel to behold, comparable only to child birth. For those with more refined tastes, your local Adult Store will have their right tool for the right job.

And so, I encourage all my followers to attend to this penetrating science. Amidst life's turmoil, take time apart to pursue the ever expanding rewards of Proctotherapy.

Thus we honor our creed:
By Anus and Groin embraced,
Life is fulfilled and graced.

Swami Krotchblissananda

 

THIRD MISSIVE OF GUIDANCE TO MY WORSHIPFUL DISCIPLES

The sense of taste is a most significant one. It informs us about the pleasures and dangers all about us and as to what sustenance would nurture our bodies. More evolved than sight, and companion to the sense of smell, taste also arouses the tantalizing powers of the First and Second Chakras.

With this sagacity as guide, I have sought and found the perfect third condiment, i.e. salt, pepper and shit. I have developed 7 varieties and flavors of sanitized, dried and pulverized anal products My preference, and a tasty choice of many, is Bush Shit. Not only does this express my patriotism, but there's also a nice tang to it I've only found elsewhere in alligator droppings. Of course, we each have our own unique preferences as to what kind of shit we like to eat.

Though we at Crotchbliss Co., Inc. are the major distributors of varieties of this "Third Condiment", it is catching on quickly with the American food industry. Many manfacturers add it to their recipes.

A further fulfillment as we honor our creed:
By Anus and Groin embraced,
Life is fulfilled and graced.

Swami Krotchblissananda

P.S. Apropos of the coming political elections: When you swim in a cesspool, it doesn't matter what color swimsuit you wear.

 

FOURTH MISSIVE OF GUIDANCE TO MY WORSHIPFUL DISCIPLES

The toilette is surely one of the clearest signs of human evolution. From the dark and bestial ages when nearby bushes served one's excretory needs to this age of wonders when one can eliminate on a heated, cushioned perch that will even wash and blow dry one's organ of expression. Yet, it has come to my attention, that even such a useful and throne-like article has been made a weapon in the senseless hostilities between the genders.

As reported to me, a woman sued her husband for his "macho" habit of leaving the toilette seat up after urinating. (A mark of culture that he lifts it at all, I'd say). For, obviously with her mind elsewhere. she sat and slammed down into the unguarded toilette bowl and damaged some nether parts. "Just like an inconsiderate man," my female readers well might think, "leaving the seat up like that. When we need it down to squat."

So, in my role as mediator and bringer of peace—especially between the sexes—I have made several attempts to transcend such problems among my followers. My first guidance was that the seats be sealed down to the bowls. "Everyone need squat for all callings," was my directive. That way everybody starts out equal, I reasoned. There were unfortunate inconveniences, discontents and messy toilet seats. Then, through an insight I received in a delirium, I had all toilette fixtures removed completely so that only bare holes remained in the floor. This revelation left it open for people to maneuver as they wished with a hose nearby to wash it all down.

This illuminative decision still fosters peace and equality in those toilettes where my guidance is followed.

Another fruitful manifestation of our truth:
By Anus and Groin embraced,
Life is fulfilled and graced.

Swami Krotchblissananda

 

FIFTH MISSIVE OF GUIDANCE TO MY WORSHIPFUL DISCIPLES

Through my usual diligent and penetrating research, I have verified that there is indeed a neurological connection between the perpetual motion of the jaws and having a vagina.

Though most researchers never get beyond the clit or, at best, the "G" spot, I have delved into regions heretofore only blindly probed. There I discovered, enclosed in mounds of protective pink flesh, the Blather Switch. Though obtaining subjects was difficult, because the female tends to associate blather as a sign of life itself, I experimented with placing the Switch in various positions while the subject remained conscious.

We did soon find, though at the tragic loss of several volunteers, that if the Blather Switch is totally closed off, the subject does perish. A female with an immobile mouth is dead meat. But we finally accomplished a moderation in the Switch's adjustment which allowed some of the subjects to experience extraordinary states of calm and awareness. Some were even able to discern—with much practice—the thoughts they were thinking even before speaking them. A wondrous opportunity for self-exploration and a grateful break in the torrent of babble for their mates.

Another fulfilling exploration of the truth:
By Anus and Groin embraced,
Life is fulfilled and graced.

Swami Krotchblissananda

 

SIXTH MISSIVE OF GUIDANCE TO MY WORSHIPFUL DISCIPLES

Though I approach all my practices with highest regard and devotion, it is certainly downloading that benefits as well as pleasures me the most. As a member a high caste in my culture, I am often called upon to download for special events; affairs of state, weddings, even select private gatherings. As my great maestro himself, Swami Betyoursweetassanada exclaimed when he first saw me perform, "Holy Shit!"

Since I am hearing from colleagues and disciples that downloading is drawing worldwide attention, I feel called upon, as your teacher and guide, to share some of the wisdom I have gathered about this moving art.

These are some helpful guidelines I've found: Although many practitioners exhort regularity, my greatest satisfaction is attained by keeping it contained as long as possible. Retaining it in this manner, when I do download it can be heard for miles around, and the mound produced is most impressive. Rather than treating it as a private, if not secret function, group participation is helpful. The people of my village have the custom of downloading early morning by the sacred Flush River, that they may easily wash and wipe on their way to work. A certain pride leads each one to excel in the most interesting performance. Turd shaping can be quite creative, with audience appreciation especially.

When we are making the sphincter offering, in the effortless manner of release that we teach, non-attachment is most important. It is this affliction of clinging that causes obstruction in one's life flow, hemorrhoids, general constipation, all are related to "Tight Assitis". Some poor souls, due to faulty upbringing, perhaps, or a blight from previous lives, treat downloading as a distasteful process. But, as an Assended Master, I recognize the ennobling power of this primal function as another manifestation of our truth:

By Anus and Groin embraced,
Life is fulfilled and graced.

Swami Krotchblissananda

 

SEVENTH MISSIVE OF GUIDANCE TO MY WORSHIPFUL DISCIPLES

The mind, as most of us know and experience, is a marvelous "software" for the precious ego to jack-off with. Each individual mind is tailored to fit one's unique hungers and fears enabling it to merge with the ego in the most erotic, titillating way. So deliciously wanton does this become that the ego comes to think that it is the mind, as if a dildo came to believe that it was a real dick. Is this the ultimate mind fuck, or what?

This ancient confusion causes you, my treasured followers, much grief. So, as your Assended Master, it has called on my full heedfulness. While the intercourse of mind and ego is delightful, but, in the in between time, we'd best help them disengage and remember who is what. I personally get most pleasure when I occasionally remember who I'm fucking.

In deep penetration, I confirmed that the one thing able to distract most people from the ego-mind's control is the crotch. Motivated to retain my own youthful vigor and irresistibility, I have developed GroinAerobics And, though there are some tantric training methods that work with two partners, GroinAerobics is the only program that utilizes a triad. Talk about a complete workout... Phew!

Because of the intricate and complicated postures this entails, a picture is better than a thousand grunts. Send by P-mail for your illustrated guide book: GroinAerobics, the Fun Way to Occupy Your Attention.

By Anus and Groin embraced,
Life is fulfilled and graced.

Swami Krotchblissananda

 

EIGHTH MISSIVE OF GUIDANCE TO MY WORSHIPFUL DISCIPLES

While there have been efforts to humanize the workplace, there is still this issue of sexual hairyassment. As many CEO's preach, there is a time and place for everything. Why is no such time set apart for those who want to partake of these simple pleasures. Such self initiated playtimes would also help clarify who does what to whom. If I am placing my hands on attractive areas, I am considered the instigator. But if she is moving and dressing in such away to emphasize and display such attractive areas, isn't she taking part in the fun?

I myself believe in hairyassment and examine all my followers for such giftedness. But, in any case, if one is not interested in participating in such activities, we do have the exclamation in Groinology, "Shit, fuck, piss!" that informs others of your disinterest.

I give you my benediction:
By Anus and Groin embraced,
Life is fulfilled and graced.

Swami Krotchblissananda

 

NINTH MISSIVE OF GUIDANCE TO MY WORSHIPFUL DISCIPLES

As you, my beloved devotees, continue to shower me with gratitude and adoration for these sparklings of my wisdom, you often plead for my blessings in the form of The Big Picture.

So, I concurred with my guides in the Kingdoms of the First and Second Chakras before revealing a core truth such as that. I ingested certain illuminating substances, meditated and was graced with this Vision:

My consciousness was opened to cosmic proportions. Galaxies were but dust specks in my vista. Pleasantly awed, my focus was drawn on a cosmic roller coaster ride swooping down from universal perspective to one galaxy, then to a sun system and to a planet circling it nearby. There I was taken to a wide and regal river coursing across its surface.

As my gaze drew closer to its surface, I noted little boat shaped objects whirling through it that mysteriously drew my attention. Curiosity became recognition as I realized these were bits of fecal matter, turds of startling variety and appearance. I drew closer yet and astoundingly realized that, each turdite held an appearance of consciousness, as I prefer to call you. "Ah," my Crotch Wisdom exclaimed, "this is the River of Life". Here was the teaching I sought!

At times a few would slam together, sometimes stick, often not, surging along or getting caught in the whirlpools or being cast aside, everything random and happenstantial. Though helpless and unknowingly swept along in this torrent, each turdite pretends that the pointless twists and turns have purpose, "inner significance", and are guided. Yes, that is The Big Picture view of humankind. That let me release, with deep relief, any basis for a sense of responsibility.

So, dear disciple, the wisdom I gained from this Vision is, "Pretend whatever pleases. Just don't let another turdite's pretends throw you off."

All this is further confirmation:
"By Anus and Groin embraced
Life is fulfilled and graced."

Swami Krotchblissananda

 

TENTH MISSIVE OF GUIDANCE TO MY WORSHIPFUL DISCIPLES

Many of you have noted, while in my presence, how clearly I think, how the bowels of my mind eject one perfect thought after another. I am now guided to reveal this secret to you. It is the benefit of using Suppository Thinking, a technique I created to keep my mental excretions so prolific.

For example: Suppository #1: "If they knew as much as I do, they would see things the same way as I do." It is amazing how much shit even that one Suppository can release. The bewildering truth is that everybody believes this.

To continue: Suppository #2: "This world was created by an infinitely perfect Being, therefore this is the best of all possible world. (And, incidentally, I am the best of all possible Gurus.)"

There is some truth to this, obviously, because the beings on this planet got along pretty well, considering they fed on each other. Things ran amuck when a freak breed of naked chimp took to standing up—making the female less available and the male more vulnerable—and to using rocks and branches to magnify its muscle power. And now, but a heartbeat since the dawn of creation, their sticks and stones have evolved into terrible weapons which that simian perversion of nature uses to bury the Perfect One's Spouse—the Earth!—in everlasting radioactive filth.

Suppository #3: "For spiritual growth, you must put aside the First and Second Chakra truths." Blasphemy! Delusion! There are experiences that seem to transcend these realms, but if they don't give you a hard-on or a belly full of joy, they won't stay in your life! Transformation happens in the real, not in the ideal.

Use the Suppository of your choice, dear devotees, but never let the excretion released cloud your sagacious:

"By Anus and Groin embraced
Life is fulfilled and graced."

Swami Krotchblissananda

 

ELEVENTH MISSIVE TO MY WORSHIPFUL DISCIPLES

A subtle but very telling insight into one's life view is revealed in how one hangs the roll of toilet paper. (I apologize to all those living in the civilized parts of the world where cleansing with water is properly used for such purpose, rather than just blotting and smearing.) While living in the West—to satisfy the worshipful demands of my New World followers—I have spent many hours enthroned pondering the implications in such preferences.

I will begin my analasses with therapeutically mounting the toilette roll with its leading edge towards the wall. Obviously, the user might be blind to its readiness, when needed. This is the hidden, the shadow side. La via sinistre. And it is the arrangement that forces one to use effort to unroll the tissue, like pushing a wheel up hill.

Now, facing the roll the other way, on the other hand, offers it's exposed edge to the user's sight. Here, contrary to the force needed in the other position, the roll unwinds itself effortlessly. The only caution is that it might over extend its playing out. But this too can be useful if you use the spontaneous bunch approach to wiping rather than the compulsive fold and swipe.

You are aware, by now, that, as an Assended Master, I am not limited by preferences. But, it is still, after all these years, a mystery to me as to why anyone would use the first, the contrary, the hidden mounting of the roll as an option. Ignorance? Carelessness? Perversion?

But, truly, whatever your choice, at least all this keeps your focus in the right place to actualize:

"By Anus and Groin embraced,
Life is fulfilled and graced."

Swami Krotchblissananda

 

 

 

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Copyright Nathaniel Schwartz 2003   www.WisdomVisions.com